With temperatures hitting 28°C even the animals were cooling off in the water!
Hottest Day in May
24 Sunday May 2026
Posted in Humour, Nature, Worldly Winds
Category Archives: Humour
St Helena’s Reply
30 Sunday Apr 2017
Posted in Humour, NaPoWriMo17, Poetry
Tags
Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm poetry, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm St Helena's Reply, NaPoWriMo17, poetry, St Helena School Chesterfield, St Helena's Reply, Worldly Winds poetry
Today has been the last day of NaPoWriMo – I have thoroughly enjoyed participating and enjoyed your responses and feedback.
As Promised – here is St Helena’s reply to yesterdays poem – enjoy!!
St Helena’s Reply
Oh my dear, my poor sweet gal,
I did warn you of the dangers.
In my own archaic way,
I showed you men were stranger.
I made the rules, you were no fools!
I had to be quite cunning;
with your lip gloss and your skinny ties,
you were glamorous and stunning.
You wore the schoolgirl uniform,
of crimplene and nylon,
thick wool tights, and capes with stripes
polyester shirt with tie on.
No coloured hair, no coloured socks,
and shoes fit for the army,
A-Line skirts and gingham frocks,
the blazers drove you barmy.
The gym kit was my own idea,
with gore-tex tops – no glamour.
Navy knickers from knee to ear,
nothing stylish to enamour.
The school rule drill of measuring skirts,
two inch below the knee line,
needle and thread, we’ll have no flirts,
but still you rolled the waistline.
I heard you sing my Pioneer hymn,
and make up your own version,
Pie and Peas, Oh Pie and Peas,
was not an apt subversion.
But did you heed all that I said?
No – you were capricious, smart, and rowdy,
I did my best, you passed the test,
and I couldn’t be more prouder!
St Helena’s Reply by Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
18.02.17
The Hula-Hoop of Hindrance
12 Tuesday Apr 2016
Posted in Humour, NaPoWriMo 2016, Poetry
Tags
Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alex Carr-Malcolm poetry, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, Buddhism, hula-hoop, humour, napowrimo, NaPoWriMo 2016, NaPoWriMo16, poetry, The hula-hoop of hindrance, Yorkshire poet
Hello dear friends – well it has been a testing couple of weeks – hefty car repair bill, washing machine repairs, cancelled appointments, a funeral, and now I think I am coming down with a lurgy!
This is an old poem, but it always makes me smile. I wrote it on retreat and it is a metaphor for being inhibited and restricted by our habits. I hope it makes you smile too 🙂
The Hula-Hoop of Hindrance
I saw it in the playground,
when I was only three,
the hula-hoop of hindrance,
resting by a tree.
It was pretty, pink, and sparkly,
with unicorns and glitter,
it even had, ‘go faster’ stripes,
so I could hula quicker.
I put it ‘round my tiny waist,
and hula’d round the yard,
little did I realise,
that it would make life hard.
I learned to love my hula-hoop,
though I was only four,
when I went to bed at night,
I’d leave it by the door.
I realised when I was five
(and also at aged six)
that I had been quite naïve
my hula habit fixed.
This went on – my dearest friends,
throughout my adult life,
attachment to my hula-hoop,
caused me so much strife.
When cooking in the kitchen,
and trying to eat my dinner,
my hula hoop got in the way,
and I just grew much thinner.
and when I met my boyfriend,
I’d hula-hoop for joy,
but holding hands whilst hula-ing,
well… the romance is destroyed.
Showering or getting dressed,
at work, at home, at play,
my pretty, sparkly hula-hoop,
was always in the way.
When I went upon retreat,
there was no problem there;
for there were many hula hoops,
that we could swap and share!
Then, Maitripala gave a talk,
about the hula habit,
if we can see the gateway….
the freedom’s there, so grab it!!
The moral of this story,
is not too clear to see,
but if you choose a skipping rope,
you can set yourself free.
One day I hope my hula-hoop,
will rest against that tree,
and if you choose to have a go,
it’s going, gratis, free!!
© The Hula-Hoop of Hindrance 17.06.2014
by Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Carole Withany (Series)
18 Saturday Apr 2015
Tags
Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alex Carr-Malcolm poetry, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, best friends, Carole Withany, friendship, humour, napowrimo, UK poet, Uk poetry, Yorkshire poet
Carole Withany
I have a friend,
Carole with an ‘e’,
who always,
courted tragedy.
She is the one,
that you will know,
skirt tucked in pants,
she crossed the road.
With flashing earrings –
Disco diva,
at party time,
you dare not leave her.
Across the floor,
her stuff she’ll strut,
with loo roll fluttering,
from her foot.
She plays the bagpipes,
I swear it’s true!
With cheeks bright red,
she’ll kill a tune!
If she were a colour,
I have to say,
shocking pink,
would make her day!
You know the saying…
Why’s it me?
That comes from my friend,
Carol Withany.
We all will know,
a Carole Withany,
she is the best friend,
that could ever be!
© Carole Withany 23.08.2012
By Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Carole Withany II (Dave’s Seagull)
One summer’s day,
they strolled by the sea,
hand holding hand,
Dave and Carole Withany.
The seagulls they circled,
and the sea it did sigh,
an idea did emerge,
as Carole watched them fly by.
She looked up to the heavens,
excited she declared,
give me 50p
and that’s your bird there!
You’ll know Dave’s own seagull,
as it soars on the wing,
with a strong Yorkshire accent,
‘ee by gum’, it will sing.
Now legend still has it,
as myth is passed down,
that Dave’s special seagull,
has been seen in this town.
Now Dave is so happy,
and watches with glee,
for his very own seagull,
that cost 50p
© Carole Withany II (Dave’s Seagull) 15.09.2012
By Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Carole Withany III – Rave!
Aunty Carole and Uncle Dave,
went out one night,
to a warehouse Rave!
With bobble hats,
upon their head,
they danced until,
they felt half-dead.
With neon whistles,
around their neck,
they bopped away,
they did – by ‘eck!
Around the clock,
– until half ten,
then they went,
back home again.
They made a cuppa,
took off their coats,
then snuggled up to
watch, ‘Murder She Wrote’.
Dave looked at Carole,
and with a grin,
said, ‘I’m really glad,
we didn’t stay in!’
With matching PJ’s,
and his ‘n’ her mugs,
Carole Withany,
gave him a hug!
© Carole Withany III – Rave! 16.10.2012
By Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Carole Withany IV – The Holiday
Dave and Carole Withany,
set out for a holiday,
by the sea…
They loaded the car,
and packed their tent,
Said ta-ra to the neighbours,
and off they went.
The morning was bright,
and promised cheer,
with skies azure blue,
not a cloud – all was clear.
With sat nav, now primed,
and map at the ready,
the sun kissed the sky,
and the traffic was steady.
“To Cleethorpes we go!”
Carole started to cheer,
but the weather was changing,
and grey clouds did appear.
The snow did flutter,
and the wind picked up,
the clouds became greyer,
poor Dave looked fed-up.
At last they arrived,
snow covering the ground,
they unpacked the tent,
while the wind whistled round.
With Dave at one corner,
and Carole at the end,
they manoeuvred the canvas,
as the tent poles did bend.
The wind gave a gust,
they clung on for grim death,
as they ran round the field,
gasping for breath.
‘Twould make you laugh,
such a comical sight,
to see Dave and Carole,
fly a tent like a kite!
The tent it was pitched,
it was finally done!
They snuggled inside,
toes and fingers were numb.
Sat in their thermals,
gloves, scarves and a vest,
in sleeping bags huddled,
what to do for the best?
They took a deep breath,
Dave let out a groan,
they took their tent down,
and travelled back home.
© Carole Withany IV – The Holiday 01.12.2012
By Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
The Queen’s Dreams
17 Friday Apr 2015
Posted in Children's poetry, Humour, NaPoWriMo, Poetry
Tags
Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alex Carr-Malcolm poetry, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, napowrimo, poetry, Queen, Queen Elizabeth, The Queen's Dreams, UK poet, Uk poetry, writing, Yorkshire poet
The Queen sat on her regal throne,
surveying all she could see;
(but really all she wanted
was a lovely cup of tea.)
Crowds were waiting with baited breath,
the flags were all a flutter.
Cameras flashed from left to right
(Tea with scones and some butter!)
Reporters pushed and jostled the crowd;
Policeman guarded the path,
visitors cheered and children waved
(after tea, a bubble bath?)
Back home at the palace, all alone
she kicked off her royal shoes,
sank into her favourite comfy chair
(and wiggled her aching toes)
Hither and thither the corgis scamper,
pleased to be back at home –
Emma, Linnet, Holly, and Willow
(Oh for some time alone!)
The Queen was tired and went to bed,
she snuggled down to rest;
thinking of the day’s events
(My job is just the best!)
© The Queen’s Dreams 2012
by Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Picture credit: https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/522487994239540143/
Beryl Cook’s amusing contribution to the Queen’s Golden Jubilee, ‘The Royal Couple’ featured in the Golden Jubilee Exhibition, May 2002, at Art London, Chelsea.
It’s Not Easy Being Me
16 Thursday Apr 2015
Tags
Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alex Carr-Malcolm poetry, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, humour, napowrimo, poetry, UK poet, Uk poetry, writing, Yorkshire poet
I know that I’m quite different.
I realise I’m strange;
that feeling that I don’t quite fit,
you stare like I’m deranged!
I think quite different, that I know,
my thoughts are upside-down;
If you say left then I’ll say right
and when I smile you frown.
We are from different planets
you’re black and I am white,
but one thing that is evident
you’re wrong and I am right.
Don’t scowl or try to judge me,
sit back and wait and see.
I really am quite perfect,
It’s not easy being me!
©It’s not easy being me 2012
By Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
A Love Limerick
06 Monday Apr 2015
Tags
Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alex Carr-Malcolm poetry, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, Cupid, Falling in love, humour, Limerick, love, napowrimo, poetry, UK poet, Uk poetry, writing, Yorkshire poet
When hit by an arrow from Cupid,
you act extraordinarily stupid,
You lose your spine,
and lose your mind,
and the world you see isn’t lucid!
© Love Limerick 06.04.2015
by Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Picture Credit: https://uk.pinterest.com/pin/353603008214749103/
Pinterest: Елена Секретарюк
Camping Capers
01 Friday Aug 2014
Tags
Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, camping, humour, poetry, UK poet, Uk poetry, Yorkshire poet
Here’s a silly one I wrote a couple of years ago – and guess what – we are going back to Devon…. in a Chalet! Should be a fun week as hubby and I are both ill, eldest son is not happy as there is no wifi connection, so in essence I am ruining his social life and love life!! Only my youngest is up for this trip! Hopefully it may inspire a few more poems! See you all in a week!!
I’m back from Devon,
I really am!
We stayed in a tent –
not a caravan!
They said it’d be cold,
I didn’t believe ‘em,
now I want to go home,
to my central heating.
The tent was fun,
it really was!
I really enjoyed it,
despite the frost.
The night was long,
we had power cuts;
we couldn’t do owt,
it drove us nuts!
The rain lashed down,
and the winds were a fright.
We sat and played Black Jack
on a cold, dark camp site.
I hated the night time,
I really did!
It was so flippin’ noisy,
sleep? – God forbid!
For hours at a time
the little ones whinged.
All the drunks they sang songs,
whilst the sober ones cringed.
Early morning was quiet.
No – I lied, it was not!
The babies would bawl
to get out of their cot.
The mud was fun
as we took down the tent;
the rain not so much,
and I started to vent!
A six hour trip
and now we are near.
Was it all worth it –
shall we do it next year?
© Camping Capers 2012
by Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
camping, tent (Photo credit: Wikipedia)”]
The Hula-Hoop of Hindrance
13 Sunday Jul 2014
Tags
abusive relationships, Alex Carr-Malcolm poet, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, bad habits, Buddhism, eating disorder, freedom, habits, hindrances, humour, poetry, UK poet, Uk poetry, Yorkshire poet
I saw it in the playground,
when I was only three,
the hula-hoop of hindrance,
resting by a tree.
It was pretty, pink, and sparkly,
with unicorns and glitter,
it even had, ‘go faster’ stripes,
so I could hula quicker.
I put it ‘round my tiny waist,
and hula’d round the yard,
little did I realise,
that it would make life hard.
I learned to love my hula-hoop,
though I was only four,
when I went to bed at night,
I’d leave it by the door.
I realised when I was five
(and also at aged six)
that I had been quite naïve
my hula habit fixed
This went on – my dearest friends,
throughout my adult life,
attachment to my hula-hoop,
caused me so much strife.
When cooking in the kitchen,
and trying to eat my dinner,
my hula hoop got in the way,
and I just grew much thinner.
and when I met my boyfriend,
I’d hula-hoop for joy,
but holding hands whilst hula-ing,
well… the romance is destroyed.
When I went upon retreat,
there was no problem there;
for there were many hula hoops,
that we could swap and share!
Then, Maitripala gave a talk,
about the hula habit,
if we can see the gateway….
the freedom’s there, so grab it!!
One day I hope my hula-hoop,
will rest against that tree,
and if you choose to have a go,
it’s going, gratis, free!!
© The Hula-Hoop of Hindrance 17.06.2014
by Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Photo Credit: Photo By Fotolia/Stockshoppe
Ode to my Sons
17 Saturday May 2014
Tags
Alexandra Carr-Malcolm, Alexandra Carr-Malcolm poet, Derbyshire poetry, humour, Mother, Mum, poetry, teenagers, UK poet, Uk poetry, Yorkshire poet
The toilet is a clever thing
with a lid, most like a door;
so please don’t wee upon the seat
or pee upon the floor!
Microwave or cooker,
it really matters not,
this magical flamboyance
will make your meals get hot.
Dishwashers are quite practical,
they clean pots ’til they gleam.
No clever sleight or trick to it,
just put the damn things in!
Crockery, pots and cutlery,
are aids to keep you fed,
they aren’t for decoration,
don’t put them under your bed!
Food is quite sensational,
groovy in every way;
but when I go out shopping
don’t eat it in a day.
Clothes are sneaky demons,
they hide and split and breed,
but when they are all dirty
please put them in the machine.
Doors really are quite functional
they keep out draft and cold
and if you are from Derbyshire,
we say * ‘put wood in t’hole!’
The dog is cute, the dog is cool,
on this I must agree;
get of your arse, once in a while,
and take him for a wee.
I am your Mum – pink is my colour,
pink means it is MY stuff,
from ipod, pens to scarf and socks,
just keep your damn hands off!
*Put wood in t’hole (put the wood in the hole) Derbyshire saying meaning – shut the door!!!
© Ode to my Sons 2012
by Alexandra Carr-Malcolm
Worldly Winds 